I swear to God, some people should not be allowed to leave their f***ing house. Unbelievable. It has happened again. I have encountered yet another unbelievable and annoying scenario that left me on the verge of committing unspeakable acts. And now I have a message for all you dipsticks who don’t seem to get it. Learn your f***ing cinema etiquette, MORONS.

So, let me paint the picture for you. Took the family out on Saturday afternoon to the cinema to catch a film. Even though the wife and kids had already seen it, for me, they agreed upon a second viewing of Jumanji. There is a part of me that is still a big, overgrown child and I really wanted to see it. Thankfully they enjoyed the first viewing so much they agreed. We arrive at the cinema a little late so head straight in to take our seats. Its about two thirds full. We are all in a good mood.

The film gets underway and it starts. Selfish, ignorant, potentially inbred morons start their chatting. And I mean like non bloody stop. Discussing the film, discussing the characters, discussing bloody football. Discussing f***king everything. And no matter how many times I dropped an aggressive “shhhhh”, it still did not shut them up. They would hush down for a minute or so and then start up again. And let me tell you, this wasn’t just from one group of people. Nope. It was multiple groups doing the same mind numbing thing.

And just as I thought things couldn’t get any worse. Guess what happened? A mobile phone went off, and some monumental dick munch answered it and started talking. Thankfully it was a short conversation because I was not sure how much longer I could keep my cool. And I was with my family. Please, anyone, correct me if I am wrong. But shouldn’t even the dumbest of mother f***ers know about cinema etiquette?

I mean its bloody common sense FFS. You go to a cinema, you mute your mobile and you don’t God damn talk. Simple. It’s not Thermodynamics for the love of Monica Lewinsky. I could probably forgive adults who are having trouble controlling their children talking. That is a challenge that all parents probably face at one time or an other when visiting the cinema. But these were fully grown adults (physically at least). And their behaviour was both ignorant and selfish.

Now some of you may say “why didn’t you do something?” Well there is a simple answer to that. I don’t trust myself. Back in the old day, I would have had no problem making a right old scene and imposing my physical stature upon people. But in all honesty, that attitude got me nowhere fast. I have a tendency to just snap which got me into a s*** load of trouble. So, ever since becoming a family man, my perspective has changed. I would never want to expose my children to that kind of stressful situation. EVER. Plus I have come to realise that that kind of behaviour would only make me one of them. And there is enough of THEM in this world already.

Someone recently commented (you know who you are) that the world really needs to “cull” around 5 billion people. Get rid of all the criminals, assholes and ignoramuses. The people who really make the world a miserable and frustrating place for the rest of us sensible lot. Whilst I find this standpoint a little harsh and the numbers slightly inflated, I am really starting to understand where it’s coming from. Because these p***ks are really starting to get on my tits. And surely, something needs to be done before it gets worse and we all end up beating each other to death in the streets.

To end this rant I will ask you one favour. Please share this article. If we can reach just one imbecile, currently oblivious to cinema etiquette and help them learn, we will be going a long way to saving our future. And my life.

For the record, Jumanji was amazing and I recommend it to all. PEACE.